The Big Room That Is Big
by Mellow Walrus
Summary: "Look it's a big room and it's very big and it's a room that is big and Mark is my best friend Oh Hai Mark how'd you get in here the door is locked did you break in that's not good stop breaking into people's houses that's not good you should knock first"
1. Oh hai first chapter!

**Author's Note:** No hiding anything, this fanfic is intentionally bad. If you're into troll fics, you'll probably love this story, if not it's obvious that you can turn back now. Besides, this fanfic is one of _The Room_. I'm sure that you weren't looking through this section of the site expecting a _**dramatic **_story, right?

I would have rather posted more serious fanfics up first, but I'm the type of writer to only post stories when they're finished. That and this story will probably help me get in the mood for writing. (I _really_ hate pushing through the first chapter; I'm such a critic of my own writing…")

…Oh, and this is the end of the author's note, I suppose.

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**_Hey look, it's a fanfic! How about that?  
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Johnny drove to his apartment and got out of his car when he got to The Apartment, and when he got out of his ear he went into The Apartment, and when he was in The Apartment he went up to his place, and once inside he was in The Room and Lisa was in The Room and she was on The Couch and she was smiling and happy and she was looking at him smiling and happy and she was on The Couch.

"Honey I'm home and I got a promotion and I'm making bundles and I'm happy my job it pays well and I got raise it's my job I'm happy!" Johnny explasticated as he fiddled out the door and foot stomped onto The Rug.

"Oh great you got a raise that's great I love you you're funny and charming and sexy you got a raise that's great!" Lisa explasticated back as she warped her stretchy arms and strongeled Johnny.

"Ha ha that's great and I got the raise because I'm so funny and charming and sexy and I got a raise and look I got a promotion and it's great!"

"Wow!" Lisa stompered. "You got a promotion when did you get it you do good work you're so funny and charming and sexy!"

"Ha ha ha, I got a promotion because I'm so funny and charming and sexy!"

Then they danced and high fived, while spinning across the room and they hop a lot.

"You got a promotion that's great you're my best friend!" scrambled Mark as he gazed upon The Fireplace.

"Yeah I got a promotion that's great I got a promotion I'm so funny and charming and sexy look I got a promotion!"

"I wanted the promotion!" scradadleized Chris R.

Everyone gasps, and they point fingers at each other and scream , horrified, and gasp.

"Oh no Chris R!" Denny was scared and terrified and sad and angry and upset and scared and he hated Chris R because he bad drug dealer he scares Denny he wanted money he scares Denny because he's scary and wanted money.

"Don't worry about it he works with me now and he's nice now because I am great and I turned his life around and I'm great and so funny and charming and sexy and I used my funny and sexy charm to turn his life around and he turned a new leaf and he's good now and he turned his life around because I'm so funny and charming and sexy!" Johnny said, because he was so funny and charming and sexy.

"Yes I'm good now I don't deal drugs honest I don't deal drugs I don't deal drugs!" Chris R ebzapulexinatefied as he cried and ran out of The Room because he had bad memories of being bad and that was bad and he decided to be good so no more bad.

"I like your fireplace." said Mark, while he was looking at The Fireplace. He really liked it.

"I like it too, it's a fireplace" said Johnny, while eye rowing the place of the fire in the fireplace.

"I turned bisexual and I want hot filthy group sex." Lisa said as she clapped.

"Oh hai Lisa that's great Mark you're my best friend go away what's up?" Johnny said as he gave thumbs up, grinned cheek to cheek, and bobbed his head relentlessly.

"That's great have fun I like your fireplace hi doggy!" Mark said as he petted their new pet doggy. He then ran slowly out of The Room.

And then Peter walked into The Room.

"Johnny I'm a psychologist couples should not cheat group sex is bad don't do it Johnny." Peter said, with his psychologist interference.

"Ha ha ha, it is fun so it is good I know what I'm doing I'm so funny and charming and sexy!" Johnny expastilated.

"Oh okay you're right that is good you're very smart Johnny I wish I was smart like you and I also wish I was as funny and charming and sexy but you are the king of funny and charming and sexy and I can't be as funny and charming and sexy as you but I wish I could." Peter frowned.

"Ha ha ha that's sad I feel sorry for you because you can never be as good as me oh well too bad want to join in on the fun just kidding I'd never do that two is great but three is a crowd oh wait I forgot in that case me and two hot chicks are great which equals three but you also would make four and four is bad unless there's three hot chicks plus me which equals four but if you're in it that's gross I don't want that I want hot chicks they're better than you Mark is my best friend."

"Okay." Peter said and he left.

"Ha ha ha let's have fun ha ha ha I'm so funny and charming and sexy I'm so lucky you are hot Lisa let's have fun and Mark is my best friend how could you do this to me Lisa!" he said and got mad and threw books onto the shelf and sat down on The Couch.

"What's wrong I thought it would be fun what's wrong why are you mad what's going on?" Lisa smiled.

"I don't want to make Mark jealous he deserves someone as beautiful as you and you are beautiful I feel sorry for him he deserves someone as beautiful as you!"

"Good news I cheated on him with you and we did it when you weren't around and he's sexy and I'm evil and you must die."

Lisa pointed her finger at Johnny.

"No!" Johnny screamed as he kicked her gun out of the way and he shot her and she died.

"Oh no I killed Lisa oh well she was a cruel bitch anyway she should die I will make her die!"

And so he shot Lisa and she died and he threw her body out the window.

And then a helicopter man jumped in through the window and he was a cop and he had a badge which said he was a cop.

"No cops I can explain I killed her because she was a bitch and I hate her I'm so funny and charming and sexy don't take me to jail!

The helicopter man and police officer laugh a lot. "No we'd never arrest you because you are the city's most favorite person and everyone would be sad if you were arrested and besides Lisa was a bitch anyway we were going to kill her anyway you did our job for us here some money have a nice day!"

They then got back on their helicopter and flew off of the roof and Johnny looked at the stars because it was at night and he was on The Roof and stars looked nice so he looked out and was happy and he started to hear a lot of cheering and he looked down from The Roof and saw people cheering for him they were happy that Lisa was dead because she was a bitch that deserved to die they stomped on her body and spit on her and she was ugly.

Johnny went to bed.

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**_And there was much rejoicing..._**

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**A/N:** So yeah, there will probably be more. This only took me one sitting, so I can probably put up chapters very regularly. Review and all that, I'm sure you guys know that flames are bad by now XD**  
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	2. Bundles of Money Promotion Time!

**A/N:** Eh, sorry this one came out a bit later than I planned, but since there aren't that many readers of The Room fanfiction I suppose it doesn't really matter.

No, this is not serious. Unless you think it would be interesting if this were intended to be a serious work, that ended up being so horribly bad that it's funny. That's how the actual movie of The Room ended up being anyway, Tommy Wiseau even advertised it as a black comedy. If you go by that thought and read one of the serious stories I plan to write one day... pretend I didn't write this, I'm sure I'll end up ashamed of this thing one day anyway XD

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**_This is a fanfic. You are reading this fanfic. Good job, pal!  
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And then **Johnny **woke up and it was the morning and Johnny is a morning person and he likes to wake up in the morning it is great, singing birds are singing!

"Today is a great day and I will do great things on this great day!" explasticated Johnny as he left The Room and got out of The Apartment and he got in The Car.

So he drove through The Road and saw that all The Other Cars were pulled over to The Right so Johnny's car got to go through The Center.

"Ha ha ha, it's like I am police or ambulance but I am not ha ha I'm so funny and charming and sexy!" He said, while everybody was cheering his name.

And then The Car broke down.

Everybody on The Street was begging him to take their car, and he said, "Ha ha ha, everybody wants me to take their car because they love me because I'm so funny and charming and sexy!"

Then his car began to crank again. "Ha ha ha The Car came back to life because I'm so funny and charming and sexy and The Car likes that and look it's working again!"

Everybody laughed and cheered, because everyone loves Johnny because he's lovable, and also so funny and charming and sexy.

Everyone, except for **you.**

And he made it to The Bank, and all of The Employees cheered. The Ex-Drug Dealer Chris R was there. He's good now though, because Johnny is so funny and charming and sexy, and he made him good.

"Ha ha ha oh hi Chris R I make you good you not bad that's good you good now!"

"I make bundles we saving money I do good now I'm not bad no more I'm great person but not as great as you I wish I was funny and charming and sexy as you!" Chris R said, smiling with bundles of smiles.

But then he had memories of being a bad drug dealer and that was very bad and he got sad and cried.

"Ha ha ha don't cry that's not good stop crying."

And then Chris R stopped crying and he happy now because no more crying because Johnny is great and he is so funny and charming and sexy.

"Ha ha ha I'm so funny and charming and sexy!" he said as he got bundles of money and was happy and left work all happy and with bundles of money.

And then he went to The Boss's Office and smiled at his boss and he smiled back and he sat down on his desk.

"Johnny you are good worker you get promotions!" The Boss said excasticly with big smiles.

"Oh good that is just so great I am happy!" Johnny said as he got bundles of money and left The Boss's Office and left The Bank.

"I wanted the promotion!" Chris R rawered and punched Johnny and Johnny was shot across the street and slams against brick wall and crashes through it and falls in The Building.

"Oh no not Chris R!" Johnny explasticated sadly and he jumped back into the street and kicked Chris R and Chris R got hurt and he fell and was down on the ground and The Crowd ran up to him and kicked him because he is a big jerk.

And then Johnny grabbed Chris R and hurled him around and he was in the air and got punches and kicks and was scraped a lot and he was lunched into a brick wall.

And then he rawers and punches everyone onto the ground and they all fell.

"No!" Johnny said and was sad for The People because they hurt and he was sorry for them they could never be as strong as he. He walked up to an old lady and he help her up.

"Thank you sir you are so nice and polite here have some money." The old lady said as she handed bundles of money.

"No look out." He then pushed the old lady to the ground and then Chris R climbed out of the building and everybody screamed and threw rocks at him and Chris R was mad and he was angry at Johnny and he charged him and Johnny punched him and Chris R falls to the ground and weeps in pain and crawls away but Johnny gets him in a headlock and throws him against a car and he gets hurt and tries to get away but Johnny grabs him and throws him into a door and Chris R bumps his head on it and rubs his head and tries to get away and he runs and Johnny catches him then Chris R gets away.

"Aww you get him on the next time!" said a man in glasses and he smiled at Johnny and then the old lady walks away.

And then Johnny smiles and walks to his car and gets in The Car and drives and pulls out his cell phone.

"I'll be going home now see you soon." He says and drives down to The Café to meet up with Mark. Mark is his best friend, he's going to The Café with him to get coffee and he will order bottled water and cheesecake, great stuff they are good Johnny likes The Café good memories and there will be cheesecake plus some bottled water too.

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**A/N:** Review now, I suppose. That would be rather pleasant. Maybe.


	3. Bottle Water and Cheesecake, Good Stuff!

**A/N:** Here's more. Read, or something.

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**Don't do a barrel roll! Your ship can't take it!**

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Then Johnny drove The Car to in The Café and went to The Table and Mark was there Mark is his best friend and Peter was there he was wearing glasses but he wasn't the guy with the glasses that said "Aww you get him next time!" from Chapter Two that was entitled _Bundles of Money Promotion Time!_ this was a different guy in glasses instead Peter said "Hello Johnny good day to you I am doing fine if you need anybody to talk about your feelings about Lisa's sudden change in behavior that made you kill her you can talk to me I'm a psychologist you can be help."

"Oh hai Mark!" Johnny said with big smiles and nudged his head up and forth.

"Oh hey Johnny what's up?" Mark smiled back.

"I have a problem with Lisa I killed her she's a bitch." Johnny looked at Mark.

"That reminds me there was this girl she had a dozen guys, one of them-"

"Ha ha ha I remembered that story good one so funny but not as funny as me but that's no comparison if you compare anything and me because I will always be at the top I'm so funny and charming and sexy."

"You are my best friend!" Mark smiles bundely with tons of bundles.

"You're my best friend too you're almost as good as me!" Johnny said, there was happiness in the air and everything was good in the world with peace and lots of happiness. "Oh I almost forgot I got a promotion and I make bundles of money they're not using me no more I'm not a fool!"

"Cool." Mark explasticated while hopping up on the table while eating his OMLET.

"Mmm OMLETS how good!" Johnny said while eating his OMLET.

"Did you know cheese is in this OMLET?" Mark said, while poking his OMLET. It was hot .

"Ha ha ha no wonder it taste cheesey." He said, and they laughed a lot.

Then Mark takes bite and OMLET burns The Tongue that he has. "Oh no."

"Oh no." Johnny said while flaring his arms. "I know what fixes hot OMLET." He declared exponentially.

"What you say?" Mark is confused.

"Bottle of water!" Johnny shouted.

Then he marched over to the counter and pushed all the people in the line away.

"I am sorry I am in the way." Said the old lady from chapter two, which was called _Bundles of Money Promotion Time, _and she was sad that she was in the way because Johnny deserved better because he was just too great he shouldn't put up with waiting, waiting sucks he is too funny and charming and sexy for it.

And everyone happily stepped out of the way and cheered his name, while he went over to The Café Guy and looked.

"I want cheesecake and bottle of water!" he shouted while pointing fingers and looked very awesome.

"Yes sir anything for you, I am so lucky to serve you I will tell all my friends that I got to meet you but they won't believe me it's just too good to be true I will need proof can I have your autograph and can you come with me and I'll introduce you to my friends they'll be so excited to meet you they're, like, in your fan club, and if you talked to them there would be much rejoicing!"

"Okay thank you bai!" he said as he grabs bottle of water and cheese cake he licks his lips and eats the cheesecake.

"I will not charge you I'd be a huge jerk if I made the funniest, most charming, and sexiest man in San Francisco have to pay for this food that would just be inhumane!"

And then Johnny walked back to Mark and he was happy to brought bottle of water and cheesecake and Mark finishes OMLET and Johnny eats his OMLET to and they give big smiles to each other.

"Thank you Johnny bottle water and cheesecake they are good stuff." Mark said as he ate the bottle of water and drank the water that is bottled while eating the cheesecake.

"Yes very good stuff." Johnny wraps a napkin and plays with a knife.

"Johnny I need to tall you something" Mark is sweaty.

"Ha ha ha why all weird all the sudden what you gotta tell me?" Johnny is great.

"I have a secret don't tell people it's a secret will you keep it?" Mark said, whisperey.

"Ha ha ha I like secrets they make the world round!" Johnny said, while waving his arms behind the chair.

Mark then leaned in close, and then Johnny leaned in close, and then Mark started to whisper in the ear.

"Oh hai Johnny!" scrambled Chris R, whom was an ex-drug dealer. He isn't a drug dealer any more though, he's good now. He'd never do anything bad ever again, that would be bad! Johnny made him good because he can turn people's lives around.

"Oh hai Chris R how are you doing good?" Johnny smiled at Chris R.

"I'm doing good thank you"

"Hey Mark look I got a promotion today!" Johnny

"Oh boy that's great I'm so _**proud**_ of you!" Mark was proud of Johnny.

Chris R gasps. "I WANTED THE PROMOTION!"

Chris R suddenly attacks!

Johnny throws water bottle

Critical hit!

Mark throws OMLET

It misses

Peter calls for help!

Nobody came…

Chris R fires gun

Bullets miss

Johnny calls for help!

A crowd of fans come

Crowd tramples Chris R

Chris R is knocked down

Mark combs his hair

Peter worries about his back pain

Johnny uses funny and sexy charm

It's super effective!

Chris R gets back up!

Chris R fires gun

Bullets hit Peter

Peter faints

Mark encourages Johnny

Johnny feels encouraged!

Johnny roundhouse kicks Chris R

Chris R runs away…

Everyone booed and hissed at Chris R because he sucks. Johnny and Mark are happy. They are best friends. They eat the rest of their OMLETS.

"Cool, you got a promotion!" Mark was so _**proud**_ of Johnny!

"Ha ha ha that's right I save bundles and they give me bundles with promotion!"

Johnny goes home.

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**A/N:** I've been playing a lot of Mother 3 lately (With the ROM and fan translation patch, of course), I couldn't resist doing a parody of a battle in it XD Even in the game itself has some battle lines that are parodies of RPGs, the "worrying about back pain" like was directly taken from it, to tell the truth. Go ahead and download it, all the cool kids are downloading ROMs ;)

And eh, review or something.


	4. Chris R rips Peter's face off!

**A/N:** Sorry for taking a while to post this one up, guys. (Or rather, just one guy XD) I was both suffering from writer's block, _and _being sick for nearly a week strait. I got better. Anyway, this chapter should make it up, I'm sure you'll find Peter's scenes here to be "interesting." Plus, I decided to throw the definition for my made up word, _"Explasticated."_ I used it so much that I can spell it by memory, even XD

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**Explasticated**

**[Ex-Plass-Tick-Ate-Ed]**

**_-Verb_**

**1. To scream and experience an orgasm simultaneously**

**2. To experience and orgasm and scream simultaneously**

**3. To edjaculate and scream simutaneously**

**4. To scream and edjaculate simultaneously.**

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...Makes you wonder what Johnny and the gang have been doing while talking all this time, eh? XD

Back to the (alleged) story.

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**Oh, the title of this chapter is a spoiler. Whoops, my bad.**

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"I am home!" Johnny announced at the top of his lungs as he walked back to The Apartment. Everyone was clapping and encourage him to hike on during the climb up the stairs like hiking.

He then made it back to The Room where everyone was waiting. "I'm home!" he explasticated with all his might. Everyone clapped and Mark was happy that his best friend makes it home and Johnny is safe and great and all those other things.

"Hey look Johnny's home!" Mark shouted and was smiling, he pokes Denny.

"Oh boy look it's Johnny that's so awesome how are you Johnny?" Denny said while being proud to be near him.

"Oh hai Denny how are you doing I bet you do great in school and are makes good money with a college and are smart while learning about college." Johnny pats Denny on the head.

Then the door opened. Then Chris R…. walked in!

Chris R was a ex drug dealer and he's not a drug dealer Johnny fix him so he does good things now he never hurt anybody ever since he stopped dealing drugs and was always nice to Johnny and Mark ever since he stopped doing and dealing drugs and hurting people and he's friends with Denny now and he gave money back.

"Oh hi Chris R how are you I'm glad you've been good lately and not ever hurting people!" Denny was glad to see Chris R.

"Oh hi Denny I like you now I won't ever hurt you again I promise!" Chris R was smiling and he threw the bundles out the window.

"Oh hey guys good news I get promotion and I are winner now!" Johnny jumped for joy and sang the words out of his mouth.

"I wanted the promotion!" Chris R screamed.

"Dun't worry about it you get it on next chance." Johnny said while patting him on the back.

"Thank you Johnny you are kind and I am proud." Chris R gave big smiles.

And then Mark smiled too, along with Denny and Johnny. Everybody laughed and high fived each other, while high fiving each other.

Everyone except for… Peter! He was…. Leying down on ground!

"Ha ha ha oh hai Peter what you doing on ground you should stand like normals it makes you look stupid and retarted, and you look dumb idiot too!"

"I'm sorry. When Chris R shot me down earlier today, one of the bullets pierced my spine, completely paralyzing me from the waist down… I tried to go to the hospital, but when I did all of the doctors just laughed at me, ignoring me as if I weren't even there. I begged them to help me but they refused, I took one of the wheel chairs when they weren't looking and tried to see if I could adjust to this new life that was being thrown at me. But then, two thugs picked me up off of the wheelchair as soon as I made it to the streets, and then threw me in the dumpster just because of that. They even tore up all of my money in front of my face, showing that they only mugged me to further ruin my horrible, horrible day. If they simply took it and spent it for themselves, I would at least be comforted by the fact that it would enhance their life in some aspect. But no, they even dragged themselves down to dig me even deeper in my hole of eternal misery. I went to the police to ask for their help, and to track down the muggers. They gave me the same treatment as the doctors, completely ignoring me, and they even beat me with their nightsticks just for fun. I found out that all of the money in the bank was gone, not by thieves, but because the owners decided to give it all away, claiming that it'd be of more use if it was in the hands of anyone except for me. I crawled my way back to work, while my clothes gradually picked up grime and turn filthy from being dragged across the streets. When I reached the Therapist Office, I climbed onto the chair and prepared myself for the next client to come in. But then, the person seeking my help ran off to _another_ therapist, because he needed even more mental help after seeing how much of a miserable person I am. He then sued me for mentally scaring him for life, but since all of my money was gone it dug me into a huge amount of debt. After this exhausting day, I was hoping that I'd finally be able to relax when I make it back home. When I made it back to my house, I walked in on my wife while she was cheating on me with three men at the same time. She told me that I was a despicable person, and that she never wanted to see me again. After hours of argument, I finally gave up and decided to at least tell my children goodbye. But when I walked up the stairs and opened the door to my rooms, I discovered all of my kids were lying down on the floor, dead. My wife told me that she and her new boyfriends forced them into working at a sweatshop for hours on end while I was gone, and as soon as they passed out from exhaustion they stabbed them all to death as slowly as possible. Then they consumed their corpses. I tried to run out of the house but they cornered be and beat me with baseball bats until I was on the edge of death, but they wouldn't let me die. They just laughed and left me on the stone cold floor, while I laid down in the puddle of my own blood. Then I left the house and roamed the streets, looking for whatever scrap of food I could find. Money doesn't even matter to me anymore because every single store refuses to serve me, so all I can do is resort to stealing, or eat whatever I can find from the garbage. Due to my high moral code, I would never resort to theft, so the other option is the only thing I'll be able to do…. It's like the whole world is against me now…" he said, while succumbing to an uproar of tears.

"LOL you're crying like a baby!" Denny laughed while kicking Peter in the stomach.

"Everyone hates me, everyone hates me…" Peter cried while he began crawling away in shame.

"Ha ha ha now you're crawling like a baby, you big dumb baby!" Johnny mocked while he also kicked Peter in the stomach.

"Ha ha, YES! Good one Johnny and Denny, you guys are very funny!" Mark said while joining in on the kicking.

"Ha ha ha, yes! I am so funny and charming and sexy!" Johnny said while he had his hands on his hips and was full of big pride. Then he kicked Peter again.

"Oh hai Chris R, why aren't you kicking too?" Denny asked to Chris R, and then kicked Peter again.

"I'm good now, no more kicking." Chris R said, being very tempted to kick Peter, because he is such a pathetic excuse for a person.

"Dun't worry about it!" Johnny said with a big thumbs up. "He's such a pathetic human being that nobody will care."

"You have a point about that…" Peter said, wallowing in pain and misery.

Then Johnny kicked him in the face to shut him up.

"Yeah, IN THE FACE!" Mark and Denny explasticated simultaneously, while joining in on the face kicking.

"Oh okay I guess you're right, you're always right!" Chris R was happy, and then he picked Peter up and threw him out the window.

Chris R then got really big. "…Violence… VIOLENCE!" he shouted while getting very aggressive. He then picked up refrigerators and threw it at Johnny but it missed.

"Oh no Chris R what happen?" Denny asked, then kicked Peter in the face.

"Someone set him up the bomb!" Johnny declared while pointing his finger at the sky. "It's all Peter's fault! His horribleness brought out the angry in him!"

"Oh no!" Mark was scarred.

"I have an idea!" Johnny said with big braveness. "You hurt as much as you want only on Peter okay?"

"Oh okay!" Chris R said becoming good now again. He went to Peter and he beat him up.

Peter whines.

"ALL YOUR FACE ARE BELONG TO ME!" Chris R said, while ripping Peter's face off. Peter cried some more.

"Ha ha ha, oh good everything's fine now and happy." Johnny said. Then everything became wonderful in the world. He then went to bed. Then Mark went to bed.

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**A/N:** If you're a Peter fan... I won't blame you if you flame me. I'm not worried about that though, because NOBODY is a fan of Peter ;)

Also, the Zero Wing references at the end remind me, there's a chance that I will do a fanfic of that with the same style of this story here. Expect the main villain's name to literally be "CATS" XD


	5. Denny Lives In A Denny's! LOL

**A/N:** Sorry I haven't posted a chapter in a while, but at least I got a chance to see the full movie of The Room on [adult swim] this April Fool's! :D Thinking back, I should have mentioned that it would be coming on soon, but I didn't have a chapter ready within the time I knew it was coming on this year. If you missed it, _dun't worry about it! Everything will be fine!_ Most of the major scenes can be found on youtube, the main thing missing is the innumerable sex scenes, of course. Besides, you should go out there and buy a copy of _The Room _online, we gotta support our Tommy Wiseau~! ;)

And also, random epic review pasting time:

Stormecho  
2011-04-01 . chapter 4

I wasn't sure what I expected.

I definitely didn't expect this Sue-topia - centred around Johnny, of course - to be satirical and poking fun at its lack of a story. Of course, none of it makes sense, but that's what you wanted, hm?

A successful parody indeed. You lampshade the sheer absurdity that is The Room, complete with rabid adjectives and good will dripping off of every random bystander. Everything works so well for Johnny - everyone likes him except us! How horrible of us readers to not want to give him our money for doing the honour of breathing!

I must now go and rethink my life, and how I might better be able to help Johnny enjoy his perfect, sexy, funny and charming life. Clearly, I should not right random video game and anime fanfiction. I must write /Johnny/ fanfiction, and publish it and send him all the money!

...Mostly just posting that as a cheap plug in for a friend of mine's fanfics XD Just go to Stormecho's profile and look through all her stuff, she'd have bundles of joy~! :D Anyway, eh... fanfic time?

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**_Attack of the Polka-Dotted Deer from Long Woods!_**

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Johnny woke up in his house. "I am hungered today!" he declared while looking in the mirror.

"Let's go to Denny's!" Mark said, scratching his awesome beard.

"Ha ha ha I didn't now Denny could cook!" Johnny wasn't in the explasticating mood today.

"No we're going to Denny's the restaurant LOL." Marks was running and there was The Car. The sky looked nice above the cloads that reflected the rodes. Cares were humming and the streets were pure. Everything was winning and Johnny shouted "I'm WINNING!" and everyone gave him bundles of money. He grabbed the bundles, and victorious wins were filled with him.

Then in the sewers Peter was crawling in it, in the sewers. Nobody loves him, so he has to live in the sewers. Then he remembered it was his birthday soon.

"IT'S WILL BE A BIRTHDAY FOR ME TO SOONS!" he said, and then he made birthday cards out of what he could find in the sewers. The then cut his face out of wanted posters that had his face on them, saying that he was a creepy pedo and the reward was 1,000,000,000,000,000 bundles.

And then Mark and the Johnny man got to the Denny's and they got cheesecake and bottle water and they ate and laughed while playing with their bundles.

"Ha ha ha, I'm so happy I have you as my best friend, Mark!" Johnny said, finally getting back into the explasticating mood and he explasticated a lot at Mark.

Mark enjoyed the explasticating. "You will always be my best friend. **Always**."

Then they had a sword fight with their spoons.

"SPOONS!" they both shouted while they began to pelt each other with plastic spoons.

And then Johnny saw Denny.

"Oh hai Denny how funny ha ha ha you're Denny and we're in a Denny's, it's funny because your name is Denny and so is the name of this restaurant, called Denny's. Is this you're resturaunt? Ha ha ha, I know you couldn't afford a restaurant because you're poor."

Then everyone in the whole resuraunt ROFLMAO'd at Johnny's uber awesome joke. It was very funny, and everyone was rolling on the floor laughing their ass off. Then people threw bundles at Johnny, then they threw roses and lady underwear.

"Johnny I'm living here in the closet because I'm homeless and I'm so scared and I'm doing great in school with niced grades and getting passed." Denny started to cry.

"Ha ha ha, that'd very gudd, keep up the god works. I get you place to stay and there's will to be great hop for your future, you'll spend rests of lives down into the future!" It was Johnny.

"Thanks Johnny." It was Denny.

"I WANTED THE PROMOTION!" It was Johnny's co worker, Ted.

"Oh hai Ted! What's new with you? I'm so funny and charming and sexy." It was Chris R. He was very pissed. He also lied about the funny and charming and sexy comment. He only wished that were true. He wishes that every night, but it will never happen.

Chris R was a bad drug dealer that wanted drug money from Denny and he was really mean and then Johnny taked him to the police and now he's very good and would never do anything bad, ever, and he is so great and would never harm anybody or do any drugs anymore because he's wonderful person and he has a nice steady job at the bank now thanks to Johnny who helped him get back up off of his feet.

"NO JOHNNY LOOK OUT!" Mark scradadleized and pushed Johnny away with big forces of telekinesis. Then Chris R leaped out the window and it busted with glass pieces flying everywhere and then he jumped back inside and was carrying a car and he threw it at Mark and Mark deflected it with his fist and there was a huge explosion that blew up half the Denny's and shattered some more glass while melting people's faces with explosions and some of the plastic spoons lying on the grown were pushed away a little bit.

Then Johnny was like "What happen?" and Mark was like charging his finger with magical blue flame and he flicked it at Chris R and then a big blue fireball shot out and then when it hit Chris R it got big and blew up in big blue flames like fireworks Chris R was blown back and was hit to a bill board that was advertising Tommy Wiseau's new movie called "The Roof" and it is said to be the best movie ever made and it reminded Johnny of how awesome that movie is and that awesomeness gave Johnny courage and he leaped out at Chris R and punched him and he flew in the air then fell back to the ground and made a huge crater that tore through the street and it caused a lot of slow traffic because the cars couldn't get past the big hole in the ground.

Then Mark focused all his magic power into a big beaming light on his hand that was being charged and then he tapped Johnny's shoulder and it gave him really cool powers with big lightening charging out of his hands with big glowy eyes and he got really big.

"We must defeat the Chris R!" Mark declared as he leaped into the crater.

"Ha ha ha, what it happening to me I feel even more awesome than I possibly was before!" Johnny became really more awesome and was so having the excitingness of his wonderful awesomeness. He leaped into the crater too.

The crater lead to the sewers where Chris R was at, and Peter was there too but he was too busy drinking the sewer water because he was dehydrating and mostly because he's gross and a horrible excuse for a human being and would probably do so anyway to show how creepy he is.

"Hello Johnny, I missed you!" Peter said as he gave him a wad of toilet paper that said "COME TO PETER PARTY 600-800 AT THE DUMPSTER BY FOOD PLACE FROM 6-8 BE THERE!" and it was in the colors of red, yellow, brown, and green. On it there was a picture of Peter's face, which was the same picture in the wanted poster, a sucky drawing of a clown that had "Happy Clown" written besides it, a sucky rainbow, a sucky birthday cake that said "Happy Clown" beside it, a sucky red balloon, a sucky yellow balloon, a sucky brown balloon, and a sucky Sun with a smiley face on it, and a peace sign.

"Eww I will not take that it smells like blood and pee pee and shit and blood and snot and urine and it smells horrible!" Johnny shouted as he burned the invitation with some new fire powers. Peter was all emo and cried.

"You'll never get away Chris R and you too Peter you must pay!" Mark pointed at them and shooted thunder bolts and it hit them and got in the sewer water and got all electrocuted and it was very painful.

"I WILL GET PROMOTIONS NEXT TIME!" Chris R stormed as he blew up a the bomb torpedo at the walls and it crumbled down and blocked the way in the sewer and they getted off the way.

"Aww, he got away!" Mark said, getting all sad.

"Dun't worry about it, everything will be fine! Let's go home." Johnny then wrapped his arm around Mark's shoulder and they walked out of the crater. Everybody cheered at their bravery and they handed the bundles.

"OH NO CHRIS R IS ON THE LOSE!" The Flower Shop Lady scradadleized with big paniky screams and flied her arms around to the ground.

"That's life~!" Johnny said as he gave two thumbs up. Everyone in the crowd was relieved, and threw a dozen red roses out at him that belonged to the Flower Shop Lady.

"You're my favorite customer!" The Flower Shop Lady said.

"Thanks bai! Hai doggy!" Johnny said as he petted her pet dog that she was taking for a walk. He wrapped his arms around Mark's shoulder. "Let's eat, honk?" they then walked back home, and there was a really nice sunset.

_**::::::::::::::::::::::****:::::::::::::::::::::::::::**_

**A/N:** Alright, we all know that Peter has the worst of luck, right? Unfortunately, I might run out of ways to make him miserable :( That's why I need _**you**_ to send me your ideas on how to make him suffer, do your very best to top me!


	6. Valley Lodge but also it isn't not!

**, ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; , ; ,**

**There is no way out of here. It will be dark soon. There is no way out of here.**

' **; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; ' ; '**

When Mark and Johnny got home Johnny was like "It's great to be back in my home in Nashville, Tennessee!" he shouted as he looked out the window to see the San Francisco Bridge.

Then the TV came on and there was the news on it and it had news people there "There has been a realy bad traffic jam happent today" said the weatherman while pointing at the traffic and he was like "it's all peter's fault he made Chris R angry and he made that big crater and it took six months to fix it and everyone had to wait the whole time and they got late for work at five minutes late and thats terrible."

And then Johnny said said "ha ha HA six months is the last time this fic was updated get it?" and the other third weatherman was like "it's only funny if Johnny explains the jokes like that because he gets away with anything" and then Johnny laughed and said "ha ha ha thanks" and then the weatherman smiled and gave Johnny bundles

It were funny happened

"we need to go save the traffic jam" Johnny said and then he and Mark rushed to save the day and they carried all the cars over the crater and everyone got to work on time with five minutes to spar

"The day is saved thanks to Johnny! Thank him and give him bundles!" said the third weatherman said. Everyone clapped nad threw bundles at him and Johnny had to throw them out of their house before thnking them.

menawhile in the sewers peter sucked and Chris R was making an evil plan. Chris R used to be a drug dealer and was bad but after he was thrown to jail because of wanting Denny's bundles he got all good and he's good now because Johnny made him good. He is good now.

"HOW WILL I get revenge on Johnny because he ruin my life." Chris R screamed out evilly because he was evil and bad. Peter was going around with no face and being creepy and stuff. "I know what to do you don't have face so your name is NO FACE now." And so Peter's new name was No Face and he slithered around the sewer like a snake because he can't use his legs any more and he has a poison bite too like a snake because he hasn't brushed his teeth and its all germy so a bite is like poison and its dirty because he hasn't brushed them because he can't afford toothpaste because he can't afford it but mostly because he's sucks and if he did want to brush he wouldn't because he wants to be horrible since he's a horrible person. Then No Face was whining and stuff because he wished he had toothpaste

And then Johnny decided to go for vacations so Johnny said "I decided to go for vacations!" so he packd his bags and Mark came with him and they drove and stuff and they passed a sign that said Valley Lodge and they went in there and there was a guy that was all like "I'm torGO and I TAKE care of the plACE while the MASter is awAY." and he said and he had a hand staff and wore "We have a new news update and stuff" said the weather man that equals three minus won plus one.

Johnny-jon laughed and said ha ha because "Ha ha ha then I guess that means old news is old olds and new news will be new olds soon and then old olds when it turned old!"o

Mark were smilied.

"and then news man said he was anchor man "newsflash that was old news that is needing new news update the crater that caused traffic and stuff did more traffic and now there's no hope and everyone will be late for work soon if someone doenst hurry

"WE MUST SAVE THE TRAFFIC" AND THERY went to go save the traffic like good people that do good things but Chris R was still were on the lost! oh no!

Johnnyman and Mark were running at the spread of fire and were all speed over to the way and they said "oh no we wet to far away from our home land!" said Mark because everyone has to hurry for the speed of a lifetime?

There was the fields they had to run through that was on the top of the Alps mountain but they tripped their feet and handed hanged at the edge of a cliff that was a cliffface and Johnny said "OH O we have a cliff hanger!"

And Mark laughed

"oh I see what yoj did there, cliff hanger like the part were we wonder what happened to them"

Johnny screamed bursts of laughytar and "yes ckuff hanger get it, it's a cliff hanger!"

The cliff's face had a mouth that opened up and that mouth were like laugghing at the joke because jokes tend to be funny or else they ceize to be the jolke and jokes are not bad for you

"YES you are funny!" said the mountain!

And then Johnny new what needed to be done he didn't old it he new it which is knowing what is new. He new what needed to be done to destroy the mountain face that was cliff face becore it was to later!

Johnny and Mark jumped into the mouth of the volcano that becausmme what was the origin of the cliff face and cliff face said "NO."

Johnny carved the cliff into a spoon that was a rock and cliff became Rock Spoon! Johnny put the Stone Spoon at the top of the cliff that was Alps Mountain. It was the summit.

Mark petted Johnny it was a pat and the pat was on the back of his body which most people would call his back. "I'll be back." MArk said and he wented to the cliff face cave and put the Stone Spoon there and he said "I am back." Johnny laughed.

"I forgot to mention in old news update the crater was there for nine months and also twenty one days or maybe a few more because I don't want to do the math to pinpoint the exact days it has been since but that is a fairly good estimate I AM A WETHERMAN AND I WIOLL SIGN OFF"

Johnny laughed "he forgot to mention that nine months and twenty one days approximately but it is within the range of those days he forgot to explain the joke and if he didn't do that it will not be explained so I will say it is because that's the last time this fic was updated and that is bad that it is updated lates!"

"Let's go journey back home, honk" Johnny asked and then Mark was like "let's go eat man" and Johnny was like "NO WE"RE JIRNEYING NOW" "Okay" was what Mark said and they venture off into the sunsets which where plurniecce. And then they were hanged at the edge of a cliff so oh no it's a cliffhager!

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_**A/N:**_ Since the funny, charming, and sexy Johnny brought it up, I suppose I'll have to apologize for the ridiculous drought of updates. I tried storming some words together every once in a while, but none of the results really impressed me until now. There's some leftovers from a plot thread that ended up getting abandoned, but I'm sure it's not _that_ noticeable.


	7. Mark's Journey

Mark knew about the symbolism that surrounded his hanging by the edge of the cliff. It represents never letting go no matter how hard things in life would get, and that you must trust your instincts that the light to the way of courage would light inside of you heart, which is the place where you can find love. Love! Mark cried manly tears at the deep symbolism, and there were tears that formed into water and that water formed into a waterfall as it fell down the cliff. He cheered as his philosophical outlook on life saved the day, and drifted smoothly down the new stream that trickled down the side of the cliff.

At the end of all sorrows, greatness will be achieved, and because of that he cried more manly tears. The steady stream of water summoned by Mark's sexah eyes created a self-propelling waterslide that carried him across slippery slopes that zigzagged across the jagged mountain trails. His momentum continuously escalated until he reached extreme levels that smacked him right into the middle of a mountain, but a mountain is no match for The Mark! He blasted his way through the stone barrier and shot out at the speeds of a swimming bullet. The landmark was no match for the sheer power of the blow and crumbled into several bitty bits.

Itty bitty rock bits rained from the sky, and Mark knew that the symbolism applied to nature's mother as well. He cried more manly tears, but realized he should cry up this time because up is symbolic because it means heaven and stuff. So he cried upward and his tear water clashed against the raining rocks that fell from the sky. Water type beats rock type in Pokémon, so it pushed the rocks out of the way and into space, which means that all asteroids and metors are actually results of mountains that get exploded by awesome dudes. Mark cried more manly tears because he was not only the world's greatest philosopher, he was also a scientist! The mountain's ghost congradulated Mark's achievement by throwing a party in space, so Mark rocketed himself skyward by manly tearing towards the ground so it pushed him all the way up.

The space party was radically dudular.

Mark jumped back to his homeland and landed in a grassy place. He wondered if dirt was any softer than grass, because that fall from space made him feel slightly hurt a small little bit, so he ripped all the grass in the land out of its roots to uncover the layer of soil underneath. He didn't have the philosophical mood going on right now, but he knew a science way to test his hypothesis! He curled all of the roots into a ball, bounced the ball into the air a few times by punching it, and then jumped on top of the ball when it got down and then jumped back off when the ball made it up high. When he landed on the ground, it felt even harder than the time he fell on the grass.

He frowned because he was disappointed by how much of a bad move he made, and was symbolic of how dudes do stuff like ruin land because of humanity and it's ruining the environment! So he cried manly tears. But the tears watered the soil, and more grass grew in its original place. He cheered because it represented forgiveness, and now he must make a second chance happen to him!

He gathered some nearby rocks and arranged them into a circle. He danced in the middle of the circle. The circle felt good.

After a long day of chopping down trees with his fists, he crafted a motorcycle and rode around the place with it. He drove over hills really fast which hurled him up in the air, so he did a backflip and then jumped off of the bike midair to dive into a nearby river. Alligators hung out in the place there, so he wrestled them. They died, and Mark turned their remains into a frisbee made of alligator skin. He threw the frisbee at a nearby bear, and the bear caught it and hurled it back to them. They exchanged throws until the bear charged at him, to give him a bear hug. Mark and the bear fistbumped and then they went their separate ways.

He ran and jumped from tree to tree, but then he remembered that he chopped down the trees and turned them into a motorcycle. So he drove the motorcycle. Winds kept pushing him as he drove, so he yelled at them. The winds quieted down after that.

Mark stopped by the place that the mountain exploded at. He paid his respects because he friggin' killed the mountain, but that's only because the mountain was in his way. He noticed that there was a shining light at the bottom of the crater, and it turned out to be lava! A jet of lava thrust itself upward and stuff. It became a volcano and there was lava everywhere that set stuff on fire. Mark cried manly tears because he knew this was all his fault, and water type beats fire type in the Pokémon games. The tear water doused the burning flame of blazing fire, and it formed a mountain where the mountain once stood. He returned balance to nature!

The mountain's soul left the space party and went back to the new mountain and became happy. Plus, a tree sprouted on the summit! That's awesome, dudes! The tree on the top gave Mark a spoon powered by chlorophyll energy as a thank you.

Mark knew what must be done. He must return to find his one true self. He must return to Johnny! He was too funny and charming and sexy to abandon on the edge of the cliff where he was hanging at!

Mark retuned to Cliff Face's cliff face where Johnny was hanging from. Jonny said "You should come here earlier next time" and they laughed

But the laugh overed quickly, because Mark was busy helping Johnny up to his feet. They laughed and said "Ha ha ha" to each other while smiling with happy faces.

"Let's go eat, honk?" Johnny said, and they travelled to wherever else the winds that obey Mark will take them along their path to a near future of happiness.


End file.
